Tell me all your thoughts on God...

I saw my therapist on Saturday, for the first time in about a month. I was grateful to have this kind, non-judgemental, and understanding woman's ear for an hour. We covered a wide swath of topics in that short period. (I have a talent for that- jumping from the Catholic church, to my mother, to blogging, to dogs, in a matter or mere seconds!)

The thread that ties all these topics together is spirit. It is my spirit- my inner most self, the essence of what makes Sojourner Sojourner- that leads me, guides me, DRAWS me to everything I do, think, or say. My spirit is the part that longs for community, longs for experiences which germinate the seeds of life, longs to reach out to the light and warmth of the sun, to interact with the other spirits and forces around me to generate love, life, and more light. It is my spirit that toils for healing, strives for connection with the Church, my mother, other sojourners, and even the animals around me.

What, or who, is the source of this longing? There are some very complex dichotomies here. I don't even know if I can put them into words. The source of our being is Creator, the core of our being is Creator, is Creator, then, the source of this longing? Therefore, is longing the nature or our being? Longing draws us on; keeps us moving in the direction of that which is longed for.

I see from this the reason why spirals are such a meaningful symbol for me. You can start from the inside and work your way out, or you can start from the outside and work your way in- it really doesn't matter because before you are finished you are going to do both, over and over again. The whole journey is contained in this symbol. All the questions are there.

There we are, fellow bloggers, on a journey, a quest if you will, to fulfull our longings.

Love one another

You have heard it said that when an idea keeps coming to you, you probably need to pay attention? Well, in the past week, at least 3 different people who do not even know each other have strongly suggested I read "A New Earth" and/or see the online videos of Mr. Tolle and his discussion of this book. Guess I better get my read on! Maybe I might find some answers to the "What does it all mean anyway?" questions that I have. Sounds like I would at least have something to chew on there.

I have been given a special gift in the form of a blog friend with a path very similar to my own. We have recently had an ongoing email discussion of spiritual topics that has been very enlightening and comforting to me. One of the topics of the discussion has been Jesus. And Jesus has been a particularly vexing dilemma for me. I was raised Catholic and all my life have bought into the idea that we must be "saved from our sins or we are going to hell and that Jesus was THE path to salvation." Somehow, over the last several years, that idea has become ridiculous to me. I have always questioned the idea that a loving God would allow the majority of creation to perish in hellfire because of one little factor- they aren't Christians. What about Jews? or Muslims? or Hindus? or anyone else? There are truly devout people in every religious tradition. I have met many of them. And furthermore, some of the kindest, most loving and giving people I have ever met have been totally atheists. I just think that a God/dess that could create such amazing diversity in this vast universe, could open up as many diverse paths to him/herself.

And so, what about Jesus? Who the heck was he anyway? I mean how could one man effect the course of history of so much of the world for more than 2000 years if he wasn't God? His teachings are the same as the teachings of every one of the major prophets throughout history. His story is even similar to the stories surrounding these other major prophets, right down to the virgin birth. And these other major prophets: Buddha, Mohammed, Abraham, et al have effected history for billions of people down through the ages for the rest of the world. None of them claimed to be God- and for that matter neither did Jesus. His followers touted that claim. And as my blog friend has said: Jesus is a son of God just as we are daughters (and sons) of God.

My blog friend had an interesting take on "salvation", as well. She said that she thinks the salvation Christ talks about "is the same as enlightenment, liberation, awakening, finding the connection to the vast oneness that is present". Whew! Now that is some heavy stuff right there! You mean we don't have to worry about going to hell? What a freakin' relief- I am being serious here. I have been thinking "well what if I am wrong about this salvation thing?" But this makes way more sense to me than anything else I have read or heard.

The other disturbing factor about Jesus, for me, is that his teachings have been so misconstrued and abused in every century since he was here. The Crusades, the Inquisition, the use of his teachings to justify slavery, the opression of women and glbt people.....etc, ad nauseam. I just can't help but wonder where people have gotten some of their ideas! Oh yeah, we are talking about human beings here, aren't we? But still.... how do you get "believe or die!" out of "Love one another as I have loved you"? If you can figure that one out, I would love to hear about it.

Namaste, blog friends!

7 Random Confessions

I got tagged over at Blogthismom. This won't be easy, because I have a tendency to blurt out everything all the time anyway. But I will try. And I assure you, it will be boring:

1.. I had huge crushes on Barnabas Collins of "Dark Shadows", Mr. Scott of "Star Trek" and Johnny Cash when I was 10 years old.

2

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I don't do bras unless I am wearing white.

3. I, once, threatened an ex-girl friend that I would beat her up (no not as a teenager).

4. When I worked full time as a hospice nurse, a patient of ours challenged the hospice team to an ice cream eating contest. Two of us took him up on the challenge. The twist to the challenge: since he had to be fed his ice cream by someone else, we weren't allowed to use our hands. So we ate our ice cream doggy style. I have photos somewhere. We laughed, giggled and snorted mint chip ice cream up our noses. He won!

5. When I was in high school, we went to see Chicago in concert. I spent the entire concert in the bathroom, because on the way there I drank a whole pint of coffee brandy- straight. I saw the opening song and one encore number- that was it.

6.. I used to hitchhike all over the town I live in, when I was in my early 20's. I looked like a young boy and dressed kind of that way, too. So most people that picked me up didn't bother me much. I was picked up by a police officer who gave me a ride to where I was going and didn't ticket me but scolded me. Once, a guy picked me up who was "jerking off" after I got into the car. I got out at the first stop light.

7. I once smoked pot in the parking lot of my Catholic high school, then went to algebra class totally stoned. Which was dumb because that nun knew me better than most people. But she didn't turn me in.

Okay- told you it would be boring. Tag you're it!

It seems that my head is clearing, the dizziness is subsiding, I am sleeping better, and getting more done. I haven't had a day of sitting and brooding in more than a week. My plan appears to be working. Of course, the increased daylight is very helpful, as well. And my growing network of blog friends, also, helps.

It occurs to me, though I no longer go to church, that Easter is this week. I have always loved the rituals of Holy Week. I almost considered going to church this week, just because it is so beautiful. Then I realized I had made that impossible by making committments for the entire week. Did I do it on purpose (subconsciously)? I don't know. Have to think on that some more.

Namaste, friends.

The injustice of the family court system

I saw the little boys on Saturday, which was a joy. However, the process of getting to see them was not. As I have mentioned in previous posts, they had a pretty rough start in life with regard to family. They are now living with their father and his wife and her 4 children. I am not happy with this arrangement but it is what it is and I have to do the best I can not to let the boys see how I feel about this.

When I went to pick up the boys Saturday morning to take them to their grandmother's house, I was confronted by their father's wife (we will call her T2). Their birth mother (whom we will call M) is staying at their grandmother's home, temporarily and the boys are not to see her. Grandma and I are fully aware of and 150% in agreement with this, as she has put them through enough pain in their little lives. Grandma, however, did not mention that M was staying with her, simply to avoid a lot of arguement, etc. A mistake on her part, in my estimation. However dad (whom we will call T1), did find out this fact on his own. When I made arrangements with him, on Friday, to pick the boys up we discussed this and I assured him that M would not be there. He stated he was sending one of T2's kids along anyway. I found this offensive, but accepted it as a condition of this visit.

Upon arrival at the home of T1, T2 and all the children, I found the boys and T2's second son and T2 waiting outside. T2 had a menacing look on her face and I was anxious to get the kids into the car and get out of there.After we got the kids into the car, she began to confront me about the presence of M at grandmother's house. I assured her in my calmest, most non-argumentative tones that M would NOT be present. And she began to go on a tirade about the court orders, etc. Again, I assured her that M would not be present. Then she said something about the fact that Grandma failed to mention that M was staying with her. At that point, I began to get agitated. I still remained calm in tone and non argumentative. I simply stated: "First, I am the last person in the world you should accuse of not telling the truth. Second, I want nothing to do with M and think it would be detrimental to the boys to see her. And finally, you need to take this up with Grandma. We are going now." She was still ranting but I got into the car and drove off with the boys.

The visit was fine and all was fine when I took them home. But believe me, this confrontation left a very bad taste in my mouth about T2. I am angry and really wish I did not have to deal with her. However, she is going to be a fact of life, if I wish to continue to see the boys. And NOTHING can keep me from that. Especially not a large, ugly woman with the maturity of a 13 year old. You can believe I will be monitoring everything that I am able to in that situation. Because if I get half a chance, I will see them taken from that "home".

Nuff said. Yuck! More negativity on my blog. So I will leave you with a positive thought: Did you know that the word namaste means: I worship the divine in you? Namaste blog friends. And peace.

Most of my favorite bloggers are doing daily lists for the month of March. I have read some extremely interesting lists. But my brain is not organized enough to do lists right now. I am finding it difficult to simply get from one room to the next and remember what I was going to do when I got there. Really annoying! Some days are better than others. Maybe lists or at least notes would be useful to me right now- if I could keep track of the d*#$ things.

OK- so I will do a list tonight, just to see if my brain can remember what I usually keep in my pockets (since I don't carry a purse).

1. Right rear pocket- billfold- brand new hand made by a fellow Etsian (see link to your right), which contains: drivers license, social security card, nursing license, insurance cards, a few business cards, household debit card, personal debit card and pics of the triplets (the boys not the little babies, yet). [Isn't my new wallet beautiful? Thanks to Tom of Copper Springs Leather Craft. It smells wonderful too].

2. Front right pocket- cell phone

3. Front left pocket- kleenex, big wadded up bunches of them as I have a perpetually runny nose. I will spare you photos of the wadded up tissues. (You're welcome.)

I carry my keys in a jacket pocket in winter, or in a shorts or pants pocket. I wish I would always keep them in the same pocket, 'cause it's real annoying to come out of the grocery store laden with my net bags filled with groceries and go on a search through all the pockets. Most especially when it is really cold.

There is nothing else I usually need to carry, and when I do, I either stuff these into various pockets. On the rare occasion that I need a "purse" it is usually a small leather backpack type. Then I may carry a pocket calendar, book, journal and pen.

Travelling light is something I learned to do when I was doing distance bicycling trips (many years ago). You really don't want to carry a lot when you are riding 75 miles a day on a bicycle. And pockets become fanny packs on a bike because you have enough chafing and pressure on your body without them.

Well- that's my big list for today.

Is she for real?!

I am sorry to bring something so negative to my blog- but this has got to get out there. I know most people probably won't even believe that an elected official could be this ignorant. I know the majority of people who might even read my blog are more intelligent and compassionate and sensitive than this. But we all need to know what's happening out there in politics land. This was in my email today from the Victory Fund. Please check out the links. Thanks! "A state rep says GLBT Americans are more dangerous than terrorists." Watch the Victory Fund's video and take action! Dear Michelle, "I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam." That's from an Oklahoma lawmaker's speech about gay people. You heard right. A secret recording has just emerged of State Rep. Sally Kern speaking to a Republican group in January, where she equates both sexual orientation and religion with terrorism. She thought no one was listening. Now hundreds of thousands are. And despite her refusal to apologize, we won't let her get away with this. Tell Oklahoma's governor and top legislators to publicly denounce Kern's remarks. This recording, first released in a video by the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, is all the more troubling given the recent spate of hate violence against gay and transgender youth. Last month in California, a 15-year-old boy, Lawrence King, who suffered taunting and bullying by his classmates because of his sexual orientation, was killed by one of those classmates – a 14-year-old boy. The week after Lawrence King's death saw the murder of another teen, this time a 17-year-old transgender youth in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Words matter. Especially words from elected officials. Rep. Kern's private feelings towards homosexuality and Islam are one thing. But public statements that encourage disrespect or violence towards those with whom she disagrees are completely unacceptable. Write to Oklahoma's leaders immediately and tell them Kern's remarks must not be tolerated. Here are a few more completely unfounded claims from her speech: "The homosexual agenda is destroying this nation." "No society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted for more than, you know, a few decades." "What's happening now is they're going after, in schools, two-year-olds." Kern must be held responsible. Please send this message to your friends and ask them to join you in taking action. Thank you for speaking out at this critical time. And special thanks to the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund for exposing this anti-gay bigot. To add your name to the Victory Fund's open letter to Rep. Sally Kern, click here: http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/ct/v1Xwe611hE30/. Warmly, Joe SolmonesePresident P.S. HRC's advocacy efforts on this issue are already garnering media coverage in Oklahoma. Stay tuned to http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/ct/fpXwe611hE3l/ as the story develops.

Yesterday was a great day. I started off with exercise and cut down the amount of coffee I drank. I felt much better than I did the day before. Now if I can just make this a pattern. That is always the tricky part. Keeping it up. So, I am limiting myself to just one hour on the computer in the morning. (I could sit here and drink coffee for hours at a time, and have.) That pushes me to do something else.

Today's task is to promote my jewelry business. I am going to check out a couple consignment shops here in town to see if it would be worthwile placing some items there. And I am telling you, dear reader, check out my Etsy shop. There's a link over there to your right... See it? Good.

Tomorrow I will go help with the babies for awhile and I work tomorrow night and Friday night. So that's how the rest of my week will shake out.

Off we go- exercise time.

Changes

It is morning. The toughest part of my day. Getting up and getting going takes me forever! I recently stopped taking anti-depressants after many years on them. My mornings are definitely tougher without them. But I decided it was time to give it a try. (I am not suggesting, mind you, that ANYONE on medication for anything go off their meds. This is partly my shrink's doing.) The most noticable effects of this are physical. I am dizzy, I wake up stiff and sore, I fatigue more easily. These symptoms scare me, they sound like MS and other nasty illnesses.

I have several reasons for trying this. First, I don't like the idea of taking ever increasing numbers of medications- which as we age, many of us have to do. I wish to save my liver and kidneys as long as possible. Second, I would like to save my health care dollars. Third, I have changed my diet, and want to see if that helps my depression. Fourth, I have never tried other strategies for dealing with depression without the medications.

Now, I must admit, that some symptoms of my depression have begun to reappear. So far, they are tolerable. And if they become unmanagable I will certainly go back to the meds. But, I think it is important to give other strategies a fighting chance. The things I am trying include: exercise, diet changes, journaling, therapy. These all take some time to manifest their effectiveness- just as the meds do when you first start taking them. The biggest problem I am having is consistency. But that has always been an issue with me. I just have to keep working at it.

Happy March!

On Friday, I took my darling 11 month old Lab pup (75 pounds and still growing), to the local bicycle/ walking trail for a good long walk, in an attempt to settle her large butt down :) It was a truly beautiful day- temp climbed into the uppr 40's, sun shining, very light breeze. (A fine February day for Nebraska) There were other walkers, joggers, and cyclists on the trail, which runs alongside a creek. Lucy was doing her level best to drag me across the sheets of ice under the bridges. Scared the bejeesus out of me! I have recently developed an unnatural dread of falling down (has something to do with turning 50, I think).

As we were walking along, a site caught my eye that made me leap for joy. ROBINS!! The first of the season: the perennial sign of hope that winter is truly coming to a close. Hallelujah!