Yep!

Yesterday, I blogged in the morning and it set the tone for my day. I had a great day. So, I thought I would try it again, today. Unfortunately, at the moment I cannot think of a thing to write about.

I have been thinking a lot about the triplets that used to live across the street from me. They have been in foster care for the last 3 years. Their father- who abandoned them when they were 2 has spent the last 2 years trying to get them back. Now they will be going to live with him soon. I am worried about them. They are now 6 1/2 years old, and the foster family they have been with has had them since they were 3. Really, that's the only family they know. Their father is now married to a woman with 4 children of her own. And to me, he seems still preoccupied with himself. I really don't know what to think of all of this. I have been very close to the boys since they were tiny babies. All I can do is to try to maintain that closeness and keep an eye on the situation.

My mood is falling. What made yesterday so good? I felt awake, alert, alive all the way. I had more contact with other people yesterday. That always helps. I went to my yoga class last night, which ended the day on a positive note. I made a lovely piece of jewlery. But these things were more a product of feeling good than what made me feel good itself. Well, actually they were intertwined. I felt good, did more stuff that helped me continue to feel good, which encouraged me to do more stuff that helped me feel good.

So why so gloomy today? More questions. Always questions.

More searching

A week since my last post, still not too much to say. I take that back. I had an enjoyable weekend. I went to the annual flower show at our local cathedral on Saturday with some dear old friends. I had been to neither the flower show, nor the cathedral in several years. In fact, had not even seen the renovations, now 8 years old. It all still looks brand new and is quite beautiful. A former friend of mine was one of the artists that worked on the restoration of the artwork of the ceiling. When I saw it, I felt a bit sad about the ending of that friendship. Maybe some day I will write about that. I, also, went to an event at which Matthew Fox spoke. It was named "The Cosmic Circle: multimedia ritual music poetry dance celebration". I found it quite interesting and stimulating. And I saw several people I hadn't seen in years, which was very enjoyable. It was the first event with a "spiritual" purpose that I had been to in a very long time. I wish I had written when I came home because I had some thoughts and feelings then which have, of course, evaporated with time. There was dancing to loud music that I was at first uncomfortable with (mostly because of the volume). There were drummers- wished I was drumming with them. There were people walking around with these plaster heads and torsos on that made them much taller than everyone else. One was of Gandhi, there were 3 more that I recognized as spiritual teachers from Africa, South America, India, but don't know their names. Their effect on me was that it brought out the little child in me. I wanted to shake their hands or hug them. They kind of shied away from that. Part of the ritual was to walk around the room and say "Namaste" to each person you met as you bowed to them with hands folded and looked them in the eye. This was very moving to me- I found myself in tears when people actually did look me in the eyes. Many wouldn't, however. I wanted that connection with them- and more. I wanted to talk to people- which was not really a part of the evening.

There was an invitation to attend a worship service the next morning at a church whose pastor is a lesbian and someone I know. Matthew Fox was to speak there. I wanted to go- because there were so many people I knew there who attend that church and because Matthew always has interesting things to say. But I was lazy in the morning- laid in bed drinking coffee and reading the paper instead. Yes, I have some minor regrets. Only about not hearing Matthew. I can always go to that church if I want. But not sure I want. I am pretty anti-church these days. And I have heard that this place is pretty "evangelical". Definitely not my thing. Still unsure as to what "my thing" is. But that, you see, is why I am here- still seeking!

It is Tuesday and I am working. Been out on one visit so far, tonight, and came back smelling like I had been in a bar. Patient wasn't even smoking while I was there. I don't have a lot to say tonight, but thought I would post, anyway, to keep in practice. I am trying to see the differences among these fonts. There aren't lot.

I am glad to see that other people are reading my blog. Even commenting. Nice to know one is contacting someone somewhere in the world.

Wish I would sell something on my Etsy page. I have only made 2 sales off of there in over a month. Well, hopefully things will pick up a bit. What can I expect with the stock market bottoming out.

Th-th-that's all folks. Good night.

GRRRR!

I just finished reading a book with which I have been completely enthralled for several days. It's called "The Power of One"- a novel. I love novels. The ending disappointed me terribly, it was as though the writer decided he was tired of writing and just threw the ending together to be done with it. I have done that with projects and been disappointed in my own results.

The book had strong spiritual themes running throughout the whole thing. And then fell flat on its face, in my estimation, which no doubt means nothing to the author. The book is about a boy growing up in South Africa in the 1930's. His story is harrowing from the start. But he makes it his goal to become the welter weight boxing champion of the world. He is an incredibly bright young man and an excellent boxer. He forms relationships with amazing people, he is a leader, tremendously independent, and wise far beyond his age. He is accepted to Oxford University, but doesn't go right away because (though he is offered money from his wealthy best friend) he wants to earn the money to pay his own way to college. An admirable goal, to be certain. So he goes to work in the copper mines in Northern Rhodesia for a year. His job is very dangerous, yet he escapes death. On his last day there, he meets the man who tormented him in boarding school when he was 5 years old (the other boy was 12 at the time). They have an all out brawl, and the young man beats him though he is much smaller, physically. And there ends the book!! WHAT?? What happens to his goals? Does he go to college? Does he stay in the mines? What the heck? I know some would say- well, for him, that was the fight he needed to have. Maybe, but then what? I suppose the author wants the reader to draw his/her own conclusions. That's not what I read novels for. I want answers. I want an honest ending.

Hmm... I guess that is kind of where I am at with everything right now. I just want answers. I don't seem to want to think it out for myself. I seem to be afraid to do this. I don't really feel I have the energy to do this. And a big part of me thinks I don't have the wisdom to do this.

Well...it's late. I think I will stop thinking right now.

Lucy

This is Lucy- 9 months old, and a bundle of energy. A large bundle of energy, who is often bored. And apparently bewildered. She reflects me in ways I had not expected. Like me she can be very loud and very demanding. Also, like me she can be easily frightened and often bewildered. But she is also terribly sweet most of the time. For example if I am sitting at the island in our kitchen, and she wants attention (when does she not?), she will come and set her head in my lap. I find this awfully endearing.

What does Lucy have to do with spirituality and seeking? She makes me look at myself and the way I respond. I find myself having tremendous feelings of protectiveness, love, tenderness, and compassion for this creature entrusted to my care. But she also evokes tremendous feelings of annoyance and irritation. She tries my patience to the very limit. I spend a lot of time at home alone with the animals. They are my only community much of the day, most days. I, frankly, like them better than people a lot of the time. They can be challenging- the dogs bark for no apparent reason, sometimes, they chase and torment the cats, Lucy is a 4 legged shredder and destructo doggie, and as aforementioned demands almost constant attention. On the other hand, these animals seem to love me unconditionally, and forgive very easily. They offer comfort without words, and make me smile or relax, just by being here.

Well, I don't know how spiritual this all is. But it feels that way to me.

Well, I have been reading other people's blogs on spirituality. The first stuff I read was on aetheism. Very interesting reading and some really good points made. I was quite intrigued by the thoughts on "religious persecution". The fact of the matter is that the only religious persecution I observe in this country is the so called "Christian right"'s insistence that everyone believe as they do.

Winter seems an appropriate time for all ths musing.

Under the snow and the frozen ground

incubating hibernating pondering sleeping

waiting for spring and the warmth of the sun

curled up tightly deep in the earth

thinking that life may never come again

but a thaw in January renews hope

the sun breaks through the ice

the water starts to run

and where there was only snow

a few blades of grass

green against the white

struggle to survive

Cold and wet

I feel like all I want to do lately is sit at the computer. It is a great way to avoid everything. What is it that I am trying to avoid? I guess all these questions. So, what are the questions? Well- the title of my blog is the biggest one. I have lost sight of the meaning of life. I have lost sight of goals. When I was a "Christian", my goals were pretty clear and simple: be good so I can get to heaven. But I no longer believe there are physical places called heaven and hell. I think we are all going to return to the Source- whatever that is and whatever that means. In fact, if I understand many spiritual writers, we have never been separated from the Source. But I feel separated. I am longing for intimacy- connection in a real and tangible form- community, communion. I know that I have to be open to that, avail myself to it, sometimes even initiate it. But I seem to also be afraid of it right now. I am afraid of being drowned in my feelings. I had an interesting dream last night about going down a river and into the ocean in a small raft with several people. In my dream I knew them, but I don't recognize them now. We had a destination to get to and when we arrived, we realized we were going to have to go back, eventually, the same way we had come. But the water was rising and becoming very violent. Some people obtained wet suits to help them stay warm because the water was very cold. I did not have a wet suit and no one would tell me where they got them from. So, I had to climb back into the raft without one. Some of these people were going to have to swim many miles to get to their homes, as the raft could not take them there. I was appalled by this idea, because the water was so cold and so violent and there was the possibility of meeting sharks. But that was the reality for them, and they did not seem to be afraid or to mind. Cold was the prevailing feeling of the dream. Hmmm.... I have had many water dreams over the years and I recognize them as being about feelings and spirituality. I have long recognized my fear of being overwhelmed and drowned in my feelings. At times, I have been able to look past that, or separate myself from that fear and forge ahead. Right now, I am stalled. I am right smack dab in the middle of that fear again. And it is affecting every aspect of my life right now. I just gotta figure out how to get moving again, how to jump back into that cold, wild water and swim on.

Welcome to my world

Blogging is all new to me. I have journalled off and on for years. But the whole idea of doing it for the whole world to see is a little scarey to me. But then, everything is a little scarey to me these days. I am usually pretty confident and easy going. Lately, I am anything but. I grew up Catholic, and went to the Catholic church most of my adult life. It was the core of my spiritual life. I had a lot of issues with the church (who doesn't?), but always believed the best way to change anything was from the inside. I woke up one day and thought "are you kidding me or what?" It was like a light bulb turned on in my head. I mean, there were many things which led up to this, but the light coming on was quite sudden. I won't go into all the details- suffice it to say, I no longer consider myself Catholic, and do not go to church anymore. I refer to myself as a recovering Catholic. Well, many things followed this. I started reading books about Jesus and God from a non-Christian point of view. I stopped reading the bible. I started questioning everything about my faith. And quite suddenly, I am in the middle of the wilderness with no map, compass or points of reference to guide me. It has been very distressing, scarey, confusing, and disorienting. I have chalked it up to mid-life crisis and tried ignoring it, but it keeps coming back. My aim for this blog is to try sorting it all out. I welcome comments and am interested in hearing of other people's spiritual journeys. So, I will end for tonight and wait to see what comes of it.