Cold and wet

I feel like all I want to do lately is sit at the computer. It is a great way to avoid everything. What is it that I am trying to avoid? I guess all these questions. So, what are the questions? Well- the title of my blog is the biggest one. I have lost sight of the meaning of life. I have lost sight of goals. When I was a "Christian", my goals were pretty clear and simple: be good so I can get to heaven. But I no longer believe there are physical places called heaven and hell. I think we are all going to return to the Source- whatever that is and whatever that means. In fact, if I understand many spiritual writers, we have never been separated from the Source. But I feel separated. I am longing for intimacy- connection in a real and tangible form- community, communion. I know that I have to be open to that, avail myself to it, sometimes even initiate it. But I seem to also be afraid of it right now. I am afraid of being drowned in my feelings. I had an interesting dream last night about going down a river and into the ocean in a small raft with several people. In my dream I knew them, but I don't recognize them now. We had a destination to get to and when we arrived, we realized we were going to have to go back, eventually, the same way we had come. But the water was rising and becoming very violent. Some people obtained wet suits to help them stay warm because the water was very cold. I did not have a wet suit and no one would tell me where they got them from. So, I had to climb back into the raft without one. Some of these people were going to have to swim many miles to get to their homes, as the raft could not take them there. I was appalled by this idea, because the water was so cold and so violent and there was the possibility of meeting sharks. But that was the reality for them, and they did not seem to be afraid or to mind. Cold was the prevailing feeling of the dream. Hmmm.... I have had many water dreams over the years and I recognize them as being about feelings and spirituality. I have long recognized my fear of being overwhelmed and drowned in my feelings. At times, I have been able to look past that, or separate myself from that fear and forge ahead. Right now, I am stalled. I am right smack dab in the middle of that fear again. And it is affecting every aspect of my life right now. I just gotta figure out how to get moving again, how to jump back into that cold, wild water and swim on.