What does it all mean, anyway?

More musings on the Universe

2009-09-24T10:45:00.006-05:00

(Image belongs to vikkianita)

I am reading Dan Brown's newest book. I love that guy! His writing is like a drug to me. Can't stop once I get started. Although he is very dark at times. However, in his new book he references a book by a woman named Lynne McTaggart. I have been reading her book "The Field" for years. Literally. I have to read just bits and pieces and put it down for months to digest it.

McTaggart writes about quantum physics and how the discoveries on that level relate to the spiritual. Yeah! Heavy stuff! But it has been a real eye-opener for me. Talk about brain twisters. Wrap your mind around this: quantum physicists have theorized that there is an energy field/ web that connects EVERYTHING in the universe! And their experiments with this are showing very convincing evidence that they are right.

What is most fascinating to me is that science is showing that things that ancient philosophers were saying centuries ago are real. The Native Americans, Buddhists, Hindus, and even Jesus told us we are all connected- all one. Why haven't we listened? Why do we persist in the belief that we can do what we want without effecting anyone or anything else?

I know this is changing. I know there are millions of people awakening to the fact that whatever you do to the least of your brothers or sisters or the world, you do to yourself. And whatever you do to yourself you do to all those around you. This connecting web ripples across the Universe with every thought, every deed.

You know those folks that are all worked up about 2012? I have a thought about that. I read somewhere that consciousness of our oneness will reach what is called "critical mass" in the year 2012. I think we are headed for a massive enlightenment! We have the capacity to save the world or destroy it with our very thoughts. I believe we are going to save it. Maybe not in 2012- but I think that we are beginning to make the choices necessary to change things for the better.

So my mantra for the day is this: We are ONE. I send you loving thoughts wherever you are!

The return of Sojourner

2009-09-22T10:13:00.002-05:00

Yes, Sojourner is back. At least for the moment. Autumn has always been a time when I, involuntarily, become introspective. My dream life becomes very active and vivid and I cannot ignore it, or the messages it leaves me with. And it is the Autumnal Equinox, today. So this is very appropriate, eh?

I even wrote in my journal this morning which hasn't happened in a looong time. We are right back to that old question "what does it all mean, anyway?" The search goes on, even below the surface of my conscious mind. There are always and forever questions and mysteries floating about the Universe. And from time to time they come back to irritate me- in the way a grain of sand irritates an oyster to urge it to produce a pearl. Pearls must take a very long time to come about.

I wonder if every grain of sand looks the same to an oyster. I mean, to me, the questions look very much the same. And to an untrained observer, perhaps all the pearls look alike as well. Maybe they are all alike. Maybe the answers are all alike, too.

I dunno. I am still seeking. Happy Autum!

America, the beautiful

2009-09-16T21:22:00.003-05:00

I love to ride my bicycle. I usually ride on a bike trail near my house that runs along a creek through town. It's a peaceful place, away from traffic and noise; and it's pretty- trees on one side of the trail and the banks of the creek with their wild flowers and native grasses on the other. I am comfortable here, and usually unafraid. There are generally quite a few other people around and they are generally friendly- they smile or wave, or say hi or just nod at you. Occasionally, they just ignore you, but I don't mind.

Recently, a wave of anti-Obama graffiti has appeared along the south section of the trail. Every trail sign, every bench, even the trail itself has become the mouthpiece of the ultra-conservative, right wing crazies. There are swastikas and all sorts of plays on the name - such as O-O-O-O-Obama, O what a jOke, and the f-bomb about every 5 feet or so.

Freedom of speech! Yeah! So much for my nice peaceful ride. I end up coming off the trail ready to ring someone's neck!!!! Sorry about the proliferation of exclamation marks- but really. I mean REALLY.

Just had to vent. Have a great night.

June is GLBT Pride Month

2009-06-15T16:01:00.003-05:00

I am a little late with this but I am having a sale on all GLBT jewelry items for the month of June. Check it out here: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5454785

Going to the Zoo

2009-04-23T09:26:00.005-05:00

I am going to the zoo today with a 10 year old girl. (And a whole bunch of other people). I should be getting dressed, as we speak (or as I type). But I am drinking coffee and reading blogs.

Going to the zoo makes me a little nervous. Where are the bathrooms? Don't get so close to the monkey cage!

I was bitten by a white burro at a petting zoo when I was about 10 or 11 years old. My mother thought I should feed it and was holding my hand under its muzzle. My hand was cupped and its teeth chomped on the little fat pad in the palm of my hand by my pinky finger. It hurt a little but the sound of its teeth going "clunk" scared the holy hell out of me, and I started wailing. We had to go to the zoo infirmary. I got a little blood blister from it. My mother still feels guilty about holding my hand under the monster's muzzle. (Good!)

Blogging like a child

2009-04-16T12:13:00.002-05:00

I am going to start blogging like a child! I just came from reading the coolest blog ever- belongs to a 9 year old!

Cruise log - Part 3

2009-03-31T09:43:00.018-05:00

Wow! So I guess I kinda lost my momentum there. And by now my memory is starting to fade. But I will try to give you at least a brief idea of that the rest of the cruise was like.

Being at sea was a mixed sort of experience. You had to get used to the constant rocking of the ship. You have heard the term "sea legs", eh? Well, you gotta get them. Your legs, inner ear, and all other mechanisms involved in balancing your body have to adapt. I kinda felt on the edge of reality most of the time. Of course, that had to do with more than just the rocking. I am not accustomed to being around hundreds of people constantly, nor am I accustomed to being waited on hand and foot, nor am I accustomed to such opulent surroundings.

As I said in my earlier post, the ship was awesome in its appointments. Polished brass, glass, crystal, mosaics, tile, rich carpeting, lovely artwork all over this 12 story floating city. It was not just a floating hotel- there were so many restaurants and bars, and shops! It was definitely more like a small city. I found myself feeling a bit guilty about living in such luxury. This is not who I am in my everyday life. But I will go into that more later, or maybe I will save it for another post.

There was so much to do on board, that boredom was simply not an option. Rather, over-stimulus, was more likely. Especially if you tend to be a bit of a hermit, like myself. The first day on the ship, while we were at sea, we did a lot of exploring. We walked every accessible inch of that ship with our jaws hanging open. I am sure we looked like a couple of excited kids much of that day. "OOOH! Look at that!" "Aahhh! So beautiful!" All day long. We were not the only ones looking like that. But there were a surprising number of women on that ship who appeared to be right at home with all this elegance. I never met so many wealthy lesbians in my life! It was quite an eye-opening experience for both Jen and me.

The first of the theme nights for the week was formal night. Now- on a lesbian cruise the rules are not the same as they are on a hetero cruise. We saw everything from ball gowns and tuxes to jeans and t-shirts. The vast majority chose to do something other than jeans and shirts. I never saw so many varieties of tuxedos and suits in my life, actually. It was fun. We all like to play dress up in one way or other, right? I love my tux. I have only gotten to wear it one other time. That was at a gay prom 15 year ago. So, needless to say, I was out there struttin' my stuff! LOL (Cheri, Deb, get a close look there- I made my studs. Oh yes I did.)

Everyone and everything on the ship was decked out extra special for formal night! The waiters wore white gloves that night. They put white jackets on the chairs in the dining room. It was like being at Cinderella's ball for lesbians! And we wore our fomral attire for the entire evening- to the shows and the clubs, etc. The shows that night included Kate Clinton & karaoke. I was pretty impressed by the karaoke. Heckuva lot of talented women on that shop. FUN, FUN, FUN!

Stay tuned. I promise to finish this up, this week. Part 4 will have a run down of the ports of call and Part 5 will be my overall reflections on this hedonistic, adventurous vacation of Spring 2009.

Cruise log part 2- Travelling

2009-03-17T21:41:00.011-05:00

The flight to Ft. Lauderdale didn't leave until 6 pm Central Time. There was a connection in Memphis which was delayed on the runway for 1 hour for de-iceing as it was snowing.

I hate to fly, am a very anxious flier, and sitting in a plane on the runway for an hour only serves to heighten my anxiety. "Shoulda filled up the Rum Runners", I whispered to Jen. "Woulda been a good idea", she whispered back.

Rum Runners are these incredibly compact, flexible little plastic bottles/bags you can fill with your favorite beverage and slip easily into a pocket, completely undetectable by metal detectors. Don't ask me why we didn't fill them up. I guess, I was a little scared of being kicked off the plane or something. I do tend to like to remain clear headed when I travel to minimize any lost carry ons and stuff like that. Jen is a little spacey when travelling and I often have to remind her to pick up a bag or something.

The flight finally got under way and was pretty bumpy due to the weather, but I didn't have a heart attack. We arrived in Ft. Lauderale at approximately 1 am. Eastern Time. After collecting our luggage we went outside to wait for Jen's sister to come pick us up. Two phone calls of "where are you?" later, the car pulled up at the curb, driven by Fran's (Jen's sis) girlfriend. Seems Fran was a bit under the weather from a little too much beer. And she was owly and growly to boot. She and her girlfriend bickered the whole way back to Fran's place.

We had a lot of luggage, which had to be hauled into Fran's little mobile home, as Fran was afraid it might get stolen from the car. It's amazing how much stuff you have to pack to go on a cruise for a week. They have theme nights, most nights, so you need costumes and s*&@ like that. They don't have a drug store on board, so they suggest you pack everything you might possibly need in the way of over the counter meds. Being a nurse, I think quite literally on this score, so there was a whole little cosmetic bag full of things like Dramamine, Imodium, Benadryl, Ibuprofen, Zantac, plus my allergy meds, anti-depressants, and asthma inhaler. Along with the meds, I packed a little First Aid kit. You never know, right? I think I am also part Boy Scout.

Got the luggage hauled in. I wanted to go to bed, Fran wanted to go to bed. Jen was excited to see her sis and wanted to stay up and talk. Which I didn't think was such a great idea as Fran was pretty owly. So, I got ready for bed, as did everyone else. But Jen had her suitcase open and kept dragging stuff out to show her sister. She becomes about 8 years old when she gets around Fran. It's cute and kind of endearing but not at 2 a.m. I went to bed. Fran kept heading for her room but got way-laid each time by "Sissy, look at this!" Finally, after about 30 minutes of this, Jen settled down and was ready to go to bed.

I fell asleep pretty quickly and was awakened quite early by neighbors talking, quite loudly outside, and birds. Not something one is accustomed to hearing on March 1st in Nebraska, as the windows are usually closed.

We didn't have to board our ship until 3 p.m. and I knew Jen really wanted to visit with her sis, so we hung out at her place until about 1 or so. Then we loaded all the luggage back into Fran's car and started for Port Everglades, which is about 25 miles from Pompano Beach where Fran lives. Again, we were treated to the bickering of Fran and her girlfriend about the weather, where to turn, the traffic, etc.,etc. all the way to the port. I have not been so glad to get out of someone's company in a long while.

Boarding procedures can be quite complicated from what I have heard. But these folks had everything organized very well and we were through the check in area in less than 20 minutes. We made our way to our room and our luggage followed very shortly afterwards. So we went ahead and unpacked.I don't normally unpack while on vacation but a ships cabin isn't made for living out of your suitcases for a week. Fortunately, there is plenty of closet and drawer space which makes it quite easy to access everything. Suitcases are stored under your bed.

There was a mandatory lifeboat drill at 4:15 p.m. It was rather a comforting ritual, as each person was accounted for on deck by a crew member. It's a very organized affair. And if you miss it, the captain sees to it that a make-up drill is scheduled. On one cruise the make up drill was at 3 a.m., says one repeat passenger.

After unpacking we explored the ship and went to dinner. The MS Westerdam, of the Holland America Line is a very opulent vessel. It has 10 decks with 5 restaurants, a 3 level auditorium, 2 swimming pools, a spa, jacouzzis, about 5 bars, a night club, a casino, and a movie theater, plus shops and an infirmary. These are the passenger decks. Below the water are 2 more decks where passengers are not allowed. The crew and staff quarters are here, along with 2 more restaurants and bars and a hair salon. There is luxury and comfort everywhere you look on board. The elevator doors are covered in embossed brass, all the halls and lobbies are carpeted, the bars are beautiful, the dining rooms are fit for a queen. There is one dining room we didn't even go to because you have to have reservations, and there is a $20.00 per person surcharge. It was extremely elegant!

The food at our first meal was exquisite! Truly 5 star dining. I had salmon which was the freshest I have ever had- and I grew up in Massachusetts. I don't remember what Jen ate. But each meal in the dining room is served from a menu and there are 5 courses. If I had eaten all 5 courses at each meal I would have gained 45 pounds. Seriously! So, I chose wisely and ended up gaining only 4 pounds for the week.

We set sail at 10 p.m. with a big bash on the Lido deck by the pool. There was a DJ and dancing and drinking and a comedienne (Vicki Shaw). We left the party around midnight and it was going for some time after that, from what we heard the next day. It was a bit chilly for me, but I heard that a few of the revellers went skinny dipping in the wee hours. BRRR!

Stay tuned for the next installment: At Sea and The first port of call.

Cruise log Number 1- How to prepare for a cruise

2009-03-16T10:06:00.012-05:00

So, we won a cruise! Yuh-huh, yes we did. We won it here: http://www.olivia.com/Travel/default.aspx

I never win anything, ever, not even a stuffed toy at the carnival. SO imagine my surprise and, yes, skepticism, when Jen said to me, very nonchalantly,on Jan 30th:

"Oh by the way, we got an email here that says we won a cruise from Olivia".

Me: "No way!" Jen: "Yes, see, here it is right here. Must be some kind of scam, huh?" Me: "Well, it says, right here to call for details. I will call them on the 5th like it says here. I mean, you never know, right? What can it hurt to call them?" Jen: "Well, nothing, but I am not going to get excited, yet." Me: "Right, no sense getting disappointed."

Feb. 5th Me: "Hello, Olivia? I got an email here, says I won a cruise. What's the catch?" Voice on the other end of the line:(Laughter)"No catch, it's just like it says in the email. You pay your taxes and fees and the rest is on us!" Me:"Really!? I mean they don't want you to sign your life away or anything? You aren't required to buy 10 more cruises?" Voice: (More laughter) "Nope! Nothing like that. Oh- but do you have a passport?" Me:"(Sigh, here it is.) No. I have never had one." Voice:"Well, it isn't hard to get one, but you have to have one for this trip as we are going outside of the country. I just checked and you can get it expedited and have it within 10 days to 2 weeks. I can extend this offer to you until Monday to give you time to apply for your passports and see what they say about how long it will take." Me:"Ok, so if I apply for my passport and call you back by Monday, we can book this cruise under the same conditions?" Voice:"Right."

So, off I go to find out about applying for a passport. Still not excited, still doesn't feel real. But I find out that I can apply for my passport at the local post office, and that for double the cost I can have it expedited. OK- so much for free trips. But- I have gotten my tax refund and we decide to go ahead and apply for the passports and book the cruise.

Next catch: you have to have a birth certificate to apply for your passport. Now, I know I have mine and I am fairly certain about where to find it. I went right to the file box where it is supposed to be, but is not. Then, I spent the next 4 hours- that's right 4 hours- tearing up the house from top to bottom searching, frantically, for both my and Jen's birth certificates. Did I find them, you ask? Why, yes, yes I did, after much agitation, cussing, running up and down the stairs and going through every box of papers (Jen throws NOTHING away) we have and missing an appointment. I found both our birth certificates.

Feb.7th We stood in line for 30 minutes after filling out the long application for a passport. When we got to the clerk, he looked at Jen's birth certificate (the one I spent 4 hours searching for)and says "oh, this is a hospital birth certificate, that won't work. You have to have the one registered with the state." I am about to jump over the counter, now and cram this piece of paper down this guys throat, but Jen says- "wait, I am pretty sure I have the right one at home." Me: "So, shall I wait here and finish my application while you go look for it?" And out the door she went. I stayed in the line and finshed my application and had my photo taken and paid the nice man $200.00 for an expedited passport. Then I went next door and shopped while waiting for Jen to return. She did return, with the correct birth certificate, about an hour later. She finished her application and had her photo taken and I paid the nice man another $200.00 for an expedited passport.

Feb. 9th The minute the offices at Olivia in San Francisco, CA, open for business on Monday morning, I am on the phone. The cruise is booked and I am launched into the world of cruise preparations.

I spent the next 3 weeks filling out forms on the internet, calling credit card companies,arranging tickets to fly to Florida, shopping, making lists, digging out the luggage, filling out more forms on the internet, arranging a dog sitter, shopping, getting Power of Attorney for Health Care and Living Will forms filled out and notarized, getting all my prescriptions from the doctor, shopping, researching the areas we will be travelling to, researching whether or not we need vaccinations, getting prescription sunglasses...oh, and did I mention shopping?

By Feb.28th, all is ready, packed, arranged, filled out. And I am exhausted! I am ready for this cruise, which I believe is going to be restful, relaxing and refreshing.

Stay tuned for Cruise Log #2. Travelling

2009-02-13T20:18:00.001-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T19:48:00.004-06:00

Ah, yes, my post for February! Has to be a Valentine's Day post, right? I want to send out a big, huge pile of love for my blog friends. I have "met" so many incredible people in this cyber forum! Thanks for sharing your lives and strength with me. Thank you to those people (especially, but certainly not limited to, Cheri at blogthismom) who have used their blogs as a forum to inform and educate others about the state of civil rights in the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave, where we proclaim "Liberty & Justice for all"! Some day, these things will be true in every way- I believe it in my heart. And part of the reason I believe this, is that people here in blogland have renewed my faith in humanity and in Americans. SO- a GREAT BIG SHOUT OUT TO ALL OF YOU! Take this as a sign of my love! Happy Valentine's Day Friends!

Up to my ass in hot water.

2009-01-15T10:57:00.004-06:00

This morning I awoke to Jen: "honey, I can't turn off the hot water in the bath tub." Great way to be awakened on a morning when the temp is -11 degrees below zero! I was just going to sleep in. HA! She gets to go off to work, I get to stay here and deal with THIS!

I scrambled to find a plumber and called one to set up an appointment. They will be here "sometime between 10 and 12". Great- my hot water is POURING down the drain.

I hate to waste water, and gas.But guess what? No shut off valves to the bathroom in a house built in 1977! And I am afraid to shut off the water at the main valve because it is SO cold my pipes might freeze. I shut off the hot water heater, and so far I have topped off the hot tub, filled the kitchen sink and now am working on the washing machine- in the basement, in the opposite corner of the house. It's -11 degrees out and I am sweating like a pig, from running up and down the stairs with 3 gallon buckets of water every 3 minutes.

The washer is almost full and I am trying to figure out what to do with the water next. Can't fill the tub, the plumber will have to get in there when he comes. The animals are all looking at me like "what the f*%$?"

And as if that isn't enough, as I am running up and down and in and out, one dog puked in the living room and the other shit in the hallway- cause it's so cold he won't stay out there long enough to do it outside! Got it cleaned up, though. Don't worry, didn't step in it.

Good morning!

2008-12-19T23:45:00.004-06:00

The words to this song by Samuel Barber:

Sure on this shining night of star made shadows 'round, kindness must watch for me this side the ground. The late year lies down the north, all is healed, all is health. High summer holds the Earth, hearts all whole. Sure on this shining night I weep for wonder, wand'ring far alone for shadows on a star. On this shining night.

This song is one of those mysterious things that has touched me to the depths of my soul. I cannot put into words what I feel when I hear this song. I have tried for 20 years to put those feelings into words. I can listen to this song over and over for hours. And everytime I hear it I have the same indescribable feelings. Surely, it is a "G-d" thing. ( I am using the Jewish spelling here- which is done out of respect for the awe and wonder of the Supreme being.)

I considered not writing anything and just posting the video. But I just had to say something. I want to know if anyone else has something that does this to them? To what do you attribute this?

WHY?

2008-12-04T12:35:00.005-06:00

So- I am getting ready for this Open house/Boutique which I have been planning for months- and along comes Sojourner the Inquisitor!

"What the heck are you doing this for? What is it in the big picture- it's not like you are going to make tons of money or anything like that. And everyone already has all these parties and crap to go to. And so many people hate December and Christmas and all this hoopla... and you don't even consider yourself a Christian anymore... so what?"

Okay- questioning Scrooge! Just bring me to my knees why don't you. But here- I will try to answer some of this for you. First of all- I love to make jewelry..and well, I can't keep all of it. That would be ridiculous.

Second, I want people to know why I make jewelry. I want them to see that it is about sharing my Spirit with them- opening people's eyes, if you will, to the connections we have. And in that same spirit, I donate a portion of my proceeds to causes that I believe to be worthwhile, further expanding the spiral of connection.

Third, I love to share my home and food, and self with others. I love to bring people together from all the pieces of my life, and for one weekend, sew the pieces together in a big beautiful quilt. It will warm us all for a little while, and hopefully the memory of it will warm us a little longer.

And then there is Tracy. My neighbor across the street, who emailed me a few weeks back to tell me she has stage 4 lung cancer. I called her this week to see how things were going, and she told me how she wants to call some of her lady friends in the neighborhood and bring them together at the Open House, and asked if that would be ok. She said " We haven't gotten together in a long time". And in her voice I heard...and maybe this will be the last time for me. So- Sojourner- I want to bring people together for what may be their last times. The Advent Scriptures talk about "The end of days" this week. We are all waiting for our own end of days. Maybe we can help each other fill our end of days with love. That's all- really- that's all the whole thing about is love.

2008-11-16T09:08:00.007-06:00

Last week, Cheri, over at Blogthismom, wrote a lot about Prop 8 in CA. I read all of it. She sent me a link to JointheImpact.com where they were organizing a national protest to be held simultaneously in as many cities and towns across America as would participate. I went to the site and found out that Omaha had, indeed, organized to participate.

So- I contacted my friends to pass the word along and made my plans to participate. I worried a bit... this is the Midwest, after all, a pretty conservative place. I have had names and insults hurled at, me in my time. I have seen protesters at Pride rallies. I have had friends beaten up outside gay bars. But we have never flinched. I participate in Pride every year, I have marched in the parade since the first year- when I was still in the military and marched with a paper bag over my head! So- I wasn't about to sit this one out.

My partner and I drove to the campus of U.N.O. at 11:45 am on Saturday, and met one guy and his wife carrying a Rainbow flag and an American flag. I was already moved. But thought- well, maybe we will see 25 or 30 protesters. And I was sure there would be counter-protesters as well. Omaha, NE 11.15.08

But there were already a few people on the bridge as we made our way there with Tom and his wife. And the folks from Channel 7 were there. And soon we could see others making their way from their cars, 2 or 3 at a time, at first. We stood atop the walkway that crosses the main artery of Omaha, outside the campus of UNO, to the largest and most beautiful park in town, in front of a large Catholic church, where perhaps 5-600 cars per hour pass by on a Saturday morning. There was a blustery, icy wind blasting us, and a few flurries were about.

By noon there were already more than 25 people up there on that bridge- with signs and flags, and banners. People were still coming, a steady trickle of men, women and children, bundled to the teeth, smiling and greeting each other warmly.

At first, one or two cars every ten minutes would honk and wave. But by the time the crowd on the bridge grew to 150 strong(!), 2 to 3 cars a minute were honking loudly, drivers and passengers giving thumbs up and waving wildly. Once in a while someone would give a thumbs down, I saw one person flip the bird, and one guy hollered "fuck you faggots!" which was disheartening. But the overwhelming majority of people passing by were supportive, and that moved me to tears! And- no counter-protesters. If you want to know more about this issue and about why we protested. Head on over to http://blogthismom.blogspot.com/2008/11/why-protest.html

Consistency

2008-11-13T17:51:00.005-06:00

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) -con⋅sist⋅en⋅cy /kənˈsɪstənsi/ –noun, plural -cies. 1. a degree of density, firmness, viscosity, etc.: The liquid has the consistency of cream. 2. steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc.: There is consistency in his pattern of behavior. 3. agreement, harmony, or compatibility, esp. correspondence or uniformity among the parts of a complex thing: consistency of colors throughout the house. 4. the condition of cohering or holding together and retaining form; solidity or firmness. Also, con⋅sist⋅ence.

Well, if there is one thing you can say for me it is that I am consistent. I have had one post a month since June. Well, maybe, just maybe I will break the pattern this month.

There is something to be said for consistency. Consistent people are always right where you expect them to be. You won't get too many rude jolts from them, because their behavior doesn't vary much. Then again, some people might consider this boring. I dunno, I kinda like not getting too many rude jolts in life. They're not so good for your heart. What do you think? Boring? Or just plain reliable?

Where on earth has Sojourner been?

2008-10-16T08:28:00.010-05:00

Sojourner has been one busy little person these days. No posts in six weeks, and I haven't read any blogs in at least 2 weeks. "My life has been rich and full" is how a former 12-step friend of mine used to put it. And that is true.

The crafty Sojourner has had tables at 3 different shows in 3 different cities over the last 4 weeks. Didn't make a lot of money, but it was fun. I love meeting new people, seeing the work of other artists/crafters, and feeling the love. Even when people don't buy, just having them stand there and ooh and aah over my work is very rewarding, and encouraging. It is especially encouraging to have other artists come and ooh and aah. I do my share of that, as well. And unfortunately, I sometimes spend the profits on other artists' work. It is hard to resist.

I have, also, had a number of custom orders, recently. I love this- it stretches my creativity to try to come up with something to fit another person's expectations. One of those custom orders is on its way half way around the world, to Japan, as we speak. One of our fellow bloggers over at Etc., Etc., Etc. ordered a bracelet that really made me stretch. Hopefully, when she gets it, you will get to see it. I won't post photos of my own, here, because I think that should be Deb's priveledge.

Autumn is upon us, and with it the great tomato harvest. So, between running to shows, making stuff, and working I just made a huge pot of lovely tomato sauce. I froze 3 quarts of the stuff- cause I don't know how to can it. It is VERY tasty! There are many more tomatoes to work with, but we have to wait for them to ripen now. Have to get the rest of them in as we had a slight frost last night and more is expected.

Last week, the Jen girl's kids arranged a lovely birthday gift for their mom. We all went and sat for a family portrait. The photos are beautiful and I will try to post some of them, here. The event was quite entertaining and made for a fun family evening at the mall. Teenage son needed a good deal of cajoling to wear a button down shirt- and he refused to put it on until we were in the studio- as he was mortified by the idea that someone might see him dressed the same as his whole family! Really, it was a lot of fun, and we had dinner together in the food court and giggled and laughed the rest of the evening. At least until it was time to go home, and Jen discovered some 20 minutes after the kids left the mall, that she left her car keys in one of the girls' purse. Yay Jen!! The mall closed, so we had to stand outside on a very brisk and windy night, to wait for daughter #2 to return with the errant keys. But I was good- sooo good. I just smiled patiently and said- oh well, honey, @$%* happens! (Well, I did this after a few choice words, expressing my displeasure.)

UP & RUNNING!

2008-09-02T11:32:00.002-05:00

Happy September! My Etsy shop is back up and running- remodelled with new photos, new items, and new descriptions. Check it out! There's a sample to the right with a link to click on. Or you can click here: http://chelsdesigns.etsy.com

You asked for it!

2008-08-07T19:05:00.004-05:00

OK Cheri, Mrs G , et al- here it is- the life sized poster of J.D. in my garage.

Vacation photos

2008-07-31T10:58:00.012-05:00

The photos are in reverse order of the actual vacation. I still haven't figured out how to work this program! Anyway, Colorado was beautiful and we had fun. Here are the photos to prove it.

Jen being the king of the hill Horsing around in the mountains Rocky Mountain National Park Me hiking Me & Jen taking our own pic On the Alpine Tundra- beautiful but hard to breathe up there. An elk by the road. The Dove Inn- nice B&B in Golden. I highly recomend it. Cyndi Lauper at Red Rocks Rosie O'Donnell at Red Rocks Me & Jen in Golden The river that runs through Golden. They have a lovely walkway along it. People even get into the water there. Can't imagine how cold that must be. Some of the flora and fauna of the mountains of Colorado

Holy cow!

2008-06-30T18:56:00.003-05:00

Has it really been 6 weeks since I posted last? I guess so. I just haven't had much to say (still don't). I am still reading blogs and commenting on them (as some of you may have noticed). I am tired and having a lot of pain in my right shoulder, going for an MRI tomorrow to find the cause of this pain. I hate MRI's. They are loud, like an alien invasion, and boring, and make me a bit claustrophobic. But if it helps figure out what all this pain is about then I will just do it an be quiet.

Well, I wanted to include a photo or 2 to show you what I have been doing with my time lately, but blogger wouldn't let me. Oh well. Next time. More later.

Betty

2008-05-14T13:13:00.002-05:00

It is 3 a.m. and my pager is blaring at me. I just laid down, not yet asleep. I get up and go to the phone and get the message from the answering service: "Yes ma'am, the call is from Betty Bebothersome. Says her catheter is leaking." I hang up and think nasty thoughts. "Dang you Betty, how many times this week have you called about your freakin' catheter!?" A chronic caller, Betty is known for her frequent leaking catheter calls. Often she is really calling because she has an anxiety disorder, and her catheter is the most convenient target for her anxiety. I call and try to get her to wait until morning as the catheter has ceased to leak according to her aide (she has 24 hour cargeivers), and there is plenty of urine both in the tube and the drainage bag. But Betty will have none of it.

I am angry when I get off the phone. In frustration, I grumble " I hate that woman!" My partner hears me in the other room and is a bit shocked by my response. I tell her to ignore me I am just angry right now, and I get ready to go to Betty's house.

In the car as I am driving to her house, I think to myself "where has your compassion gone? I think you need to get a different job if this is how you respond to your patients." Guilt and shame gnaw at my gut.

I enter the house to be greeted by a neatly dressed young woman with a scowl on her face. She says to me, in a whisper "another really long night". I reply "I imagine every night with Betty is a long, long night." "Yes" she says, rolling her eyes.

I walk up the steps into an imaculately clean, cutely decorated little house, and round the corner into Betty's room. (Keep in mind that I have only spoken to Betty on the phone, in the past. This is the first time I have met her. You know how it is to talk to someone on the phone over a long period of time? I tend to form a picture in my mind of the person. I didn't have a nice picture in my mind of poor Betty.) There in the hospital bed in a small, clean room is a tiny, frail looking little lady with the most anxious look on her face.

A tremendous surge of remorse and sadness wells up in my throat, as I introduce myself to Betty. I excuse myself to go wash my hands because tears are welling up in my eyes. My whole heart was melted by the sight of this tiny lady. My entire attitude has changed.

After taking a moment to compose myself, I return to Betty's room and begin to assess her catheter problem. I find that it is running just fine, but Betty wants it changed. As I go about the task, I converse quietly with her. She tells me that she was a nurse for 39 years. And she was a nurse in an era when nurses were not allowed to marry if they intended on making a career of it. Thus Betty is without family. And most of her friends have died as she is in her 80's.

I ask her about a small statue of a lighthouse on a shelf by her bed. She tells me that when she retired, she and another lady bought this house together. They used to vacation together, frequently during their years of working as nurses. On their last vacation together at the Grand Canyon, some 10 years ago, her friend died of a massive heart attack as they awaited an ambulance. "I have never gotten over it", she says softly.

As I leave, I think to myself "I have a whole new picture in my mind, now. I think my compassion has been restored."

Mother's Day

2008-05-12T11:55:00.004-05:00

At 9:00 PM on Saturday, I arrived at our hospice house in answer to a page from the staff there. I was grateful for a call early in the evening, which might stave off calls at 3 A.M. (remember might). I went to the room of the patient having pain issues to find a smallish elderly woman, anxiously squirming in her bed. Her right leg from mid-calf to foot was black, her abdomen extremely distended.

We will call our lady Mrs. R, who said as I entered her room "oh, can you do something about this pain in my leg?! They said it is clotted off. Can I do anything to get some circulation to it?" I attempted to explain that since there was a clot in the main artery to her leg, that there was no circulation to the leg, and there was no way to improve that without major surgical intervention, which she was not healthy enough to endure. I wasn't getting through, and during the course of the next 5 hours had to repeat this explanation numerous times.

Mrs. R was out of her head with pain. She kept sitting up, lying down, putting the heating pad on, taking it off, thrashing in her bed, moaning, shouting at times and talking the entire time in fragmented sentences and words. During this time I increased her dose of pain medication twice. She was getting her medication through a subcutaneous line from a pump with a button she could press every 10 minutes for an extra dose. I pressed that button every 10 minutes for 2 hours. The average person would have been comatose from the amount of medication she received, but it was not helping.

It was decided after conferring with Mrs. R's very hospice savvy physician, that we should attempt to sedate her. Which we spent the next 3 hours doing. I stayed in the room with Mrs. R for 5 hours total that night, while giving her hefty doses of medication to make her go to sleep. It took a very long time, during which Mrs. R did what is known in hospice as a "life review".

She told me her story. Mrs. R's life was difficult and painful and she was struggling with feelings of guilt and shame as she walked through the door to the next world. She had been married 5 times, left her children with their father at the end of one of those marriages and thus had poor relationships with them, had been judged and scorned by most people she knew. She had had poor relationships with her own parents, as well. All in all, this led to Mrs. R lying alone in a hospice facility, with no friends or family to assist her in her dying process. You could hear the pain and shame in her voice as she spoke through her increasing drug induced haze.

Mrs. R finally went to sleep around 2:00 AM on Mothers' Day. And she died with no family near at 5:00 PM that evening.

I went home to bed around 3:oo AM, and slept until 8 when I had to give report by phone to the on-coming day shift. Then went back to sleep until 2 PM. When I got up I had a cup of coffee and got ready to go to the grocery store in preparation for the Mothers' Day celebration at our home.

As I was preparing to leave, J was on the phone with one of her daughters who was coming later, and the door bell rang. I went to the door to find J's son. He is 16 years old and generally about as self-centered as the average 16 year old boy. But in he walks, by himself, with a bouquet of flowers in his hand for his mom. It is the first time Joe has bought anyone flowers. And I am told, without prompting and with his own money. Happy Mothers' Day.

My New Toy

2008-05-07T10:52:00.010-05:00

Well- my Economic Stimulus money came this week. So I went out and stimulated the economy a little bit. I had my heart set on a Digital SLR camera, but for less than half the price I got SOOO much more. . What I got was a Cannon PowersShot A650. It has many of the capabilities of a DSLR, and stores 12.1 megapixels! The highest megapixel count on the market. Plus it takes videos. And this is last years model. The sales rep at Costco said to me "this will be a much better buy for your money. See, it also comes with a printer for about 30 dollars more than the Nikon Coolpix". Now this is not just any ol' printer, mind you. He didn't tell me this when I was at the store: but it is a printer, copier and scanner!! The Blogger video window doesn't do the video justice- it is much higher quality. But LOOK at these photos!!

Tag you're it!

2008-05-02T13:33:00.009-05:00

I was tagged by Professor J. It's a good excuse for a post. I don't have a lot to write about these days, so any prompts will do!

Here are the rules: 1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. 2. Each player answers the questions about her or himself. 3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they've been tagged and asking them to read your blog. 4. Let the person who tagged you know when you've posted your answer.--

What was I doing ten years ago? I was a relatively new nurse, 2 years since graduation, working at the home health agency I spent 8 years at as a home health aide during school. I had recently ended a 9 year "relationship", and later in that year bought myself a sweet little house, where I planned to live alone for a long time. I was in the initial stages of a long distance "relationship" with a very crazy woman. Due to the craziness, I am so glad it was long distance, and very short lived.

.What are five things on my "to do" list today? 1. Pay bills; 2. rest 3. hang out with my best gal; 4. rest 5. soak in the hot tub

Snacks I enjoy: Chocolate, any type will do, smoked almonds ( of which I am prescribed 15 per day for my cholesterol though not necessarily smoked), hummus with chips or pita bread, (I am making myself hungry), cheese with anything.

Things I would do if I were a billionaire: Pay off my bills, including my mortgage, donate millions, travel the world, support artists

Places I have lived: Everett, MA, Peabody, MA, Salem, MA, Omaha, NE, (and if you count my failry short term military placements Ft. McClelland, AL, San Antonio, TX {where I met Professor J}, Ft Gordon, GA,) and Council Bluffs, IA

Bad Habits: Nagging, not exercising, staying up too late, not always looking out for my own best interests.

Jobs I have had: sub slinger (in my father's sub shop), short order cook, t-shirt printer, clerk, automotive clerk, gas jockey, waitress, home health aide, security guard, welder, framer at a factory where they make plaster and fiber glass columns, worker in a group home for developmentally challenged adults, nurse.

Peeps I want to know more about (or at least peeps I think may be interested in responding):

Beanpaste

Rambling Stuff

Matter of Fact Mommy

Wisdom in Small Bits

SurelyYouNest

Ahhh! Springtime in Nebraska!

2008-04-29T15:13:00.013-05:00

Spring has sprung,

The grass is riz,

I wonder where all the birdies is. --Author Unknown

2008-04-06T23:10:00.008-05:00

Here's a meme I stole from Mrs. T at Chucheria: Feel free to do the same. What you do is go to photobucket.com and use a photo from the first page of your search for the answers to the following questions: (Clear as mud? good)

What is your relationship status?

What is your current mood? Who is your favorite group/artist?

What is your favorite movie?

What kind of pet(s) do you have?

Where do you live?

Where do you work?

What do you look like?

What do you drive?

What did you do last night?

What is your favorite television show?

Describe yourself

What are you doing tomorrow?

What is your name?

What is your favorite candy?

Tell me all your thoughts on God...

2008-03-31T11:51:00.008-05:00

I saw my therapist on Saturday, for the first time in about a month. I was grateful to have this kind, non-judgemental, and understanding woman's ear for an hour. We covered a wide swath of topics in that short period. (I have a talent for that- jumping from the Catholic church, to my mother, to blogging, to dogs, in a matter or mere seconds!)

The thread that ties all these topics together is spirit. It is my spirit- my inner most self, the essence of what makes Sojourner Sojourner- that leads me, guides me, DRAWS me to everything I do, think, or say. My spirit is the part that longs for community, longs for experiences which germinate the seeds of life, longs to reach out to the light and warmth of the sun, to interact with the other spirits and forces around me to generate love, life, and more light. It is my spirit that toils for healing, strives for connection with the Church, my mother, other sojourners, and even the animals around me.

What, or who, is the source of this longing? There are some very complex dichotomies here. I don't even know if I can put them into words. The source of our being is Creator, the core of our being is Creator, is Creator, then, the source of this longing? Therefore, is longing the nature or our being? Longing draws us on; keeps us moving in the direction of that which is longed for.

I see from this the reason why spirals are such a meaningful symbol for me. You can start from the inside and work your way out, or you can start from the outside and work your way in- it really doesn't matter because before you are finished you are going to do both, over and over again. The whole journey is contained in this symbol. All the questions are there.

There we are, fellow bloggers, on a journey, a quest if you will, to fulfull our longings.

Love one another

2008-03-25T09:11:00.002-05:00

You have heard it said that when an idea keeps coming to you, you probably need to pay attention? Well, in the past week, at least 3 different people who do not even know each other have strongly suggested I read "A New Earth" and/or see the online videos of Mr. Tolle and his discussion of this book. Guess I better get my read on! Maybe I might find some answers to the "What does it all mean anyway?" questions that I have. Sounds like I would at least have something to chew on there.

I have been given a special gift in the form of a blog friend with a path very similar to my own. We have recently had an ongoing email discussion of spiritual topics that has been very enlightening and comforting to me. One of the topics of the discussion has been Jesus. And Jesus has been a particularly vexing dilemma for me. I was raised Catholic and all my life have bought into the idea that we must be "saved from our sins or we are going to hell and that Jesus was THE path to salvation." Somehow, over the last several years, that idea has become ridiculous to me. I have always questioned the idea that a loving God would allow the majority of creation to perish in hellfire because of one little factor- they aren't Christians. What about Jews? or Muslims? or Hindus? or anyone else? There are truly devout people in every religious tradition. I have met many of them. And furthermore, some of the kindest, most loving and giving people I have ever met have been totally atheists. I just think that a God/dess that could create such amazing diversity in this vast universe, could open up as many diverse paths to him/herself.

And so, what about Jesus? Who the heck was he anyway? I mean how could one man effect the course of history of so much of the world for more than 2000 years if he wasn't God? His teachings are the same as the teachings of every one of the major prophets throughout history. His story is even similar to the stories surrounding these other major prophets, right down to the virgin birth. And these other major prophets: Buddha, Mohammed, Abraham, et al have effected history for billions of people down through the ages for the rest of the world. None of them claimed to be God- and for that matter neither did Jesus. His followers touted that claim. And as my blog friend has said: Jesus is a son of God just as we are daughters (and sons) of God.

My blog friend had an interesting take on "salvation", as well. She said that she thinks the salvation Christ talks about "is the same as enlightenment, liberation, awakening, finding the connection to the vast oneness that is present". Whew! Now that is some heavy stuff right there! You mean we don't have to worry about going to hell? What a freakin' relief- I am being serious here. I have been thinking "well what if I am wrong about this salvation thing?" But this makes way more sense to me than anything else I have read or heard.

The other disturbing factor about Jesus, for me, is that his teachings have been so misconstrued and abused in every century since he was here. The Crusades, the Inquisition, the use of his teachings to justify slavery, the opression of women and glbt people.....etc, ad nauseam. I just can't help but wonder where people have gotten some of their ideas! Oh yeah, we are talking about human beings here, aren't we? But still.... how do you get "believe or die!" out of "Love one another as I have loved you"? If you can figure that one out, I would love to hear about it.

Namaste, blog friends!

7 Random Confessions

2008-03-21T12:25:00.008-05:00

I got tagged over at Blogthismom. This won't be easy, because I have a tendency to blurt out everything all the time anyway. But I will try. And I assure you, it will be boring:

1.. I had huge crushes on Barnabas Collins of "Dark Shadows", Mr. Scott of "Star Trek" and Johnny Cash when I was 10 years old.

I don't do bras unless I am wearing white.

3. I, once, threatened an ex-girl friend that I would beat her up (no not as a teenager).

4. When I worked full time as a hospice nurse, a patient of ours challenged the hospice team to an ice cream eating contest. Two of us took him up on the challenge. The twist to the challenge: since he had to be fed his ice cream by someone else, we weren't allowed to use our hands. So we ate our ice cream doggy style. I have photos somewhere. We laughed, giggled and snorted mint chip ice cream up our noses. He won!

5. When I was in high school, we went to see Chicago in concert. I spent the entire concert in the bathroom, because on the way there I drank a whole pint of coffee brandy- straight. I saw the opening song and one encore number- that was it.

6.. I used to hitchhike all over the town I live in, when I was in my early 20's. I looked like a young boy and dressed kind of that way, too. So most people that picked me up didn't bother me much. I was picked up by a police officer who gave me a ride to where I was going and didn't ticket me but scolded me. Once, a guy picked me up who was "jerking off" after I got into the car. I got out at the first stop light.

7. I once smoked pot in the parking lot of my Catholic high school, then went to algebra class totally stoned. Which was dumb because that nun knew me better than most people. But she didn't turn me in.

Okay- told you it would be boring. Tag you're it!

2008-03-19T08:58:00.004-05:00

It seems that my head is clearing, the dizziness is subsiding, I am sleeping better, and getting more done. I haven't had a day of sitting and brooding in more than a week. My plan appears to be working. Of course, the increased daylight is very helpful, as well. And my growing network of blog friends, also, helps.

It occurs to me, though I no longer go to church, that Easter is this week. I have always loved the rituals of Holy Week. I almost considered going to church this week, just because it is so beautiful. Then I realized I had made that impossible by making committments for the entire week. Did I do it on purpose (subconsciously)? I don't know. Have to think on that some more.

Namaste, friends.

The injustice of the family court system

2008-03-17T13:05:00.006-05:00

I saw the little boys on Saturday, which was a joy. However, the process of getting to see them was not. As I have mentioned in previous posts, they had a pretty rough start in life with regard to family. They are now living with their father and his wife and her 4 children. I am not happy with this arrangement but it is what it is and I have to do the best I can not to let the boys see how I feel about this.

When I went to pick up the boys Saturday morning to take them to their grandmother's house, I was confronted by their father's wife (we will call her T2). Their birth mother (whom we will call M) is staying at their grandmother's home, temporarily and the boys are not to see her. Grandma and I are fully aware of and 150% in agreement with this, as she has put them through enough pain in their little lives. Grandma, however, did not mention that M was staying with her, simply to avoid a lot of arguement, etc. A mistake on her part, in my estimation. However dad (whom we will call T1), did find out this fact on his own. When I made arrangements with him, on Friday, to pick the boys up we discussed this and I assured him that M would not be there. He stated he was sending one of T2's kids along anyway. I found this offensive, but accepted it as a condition of this visit.

Upon arrival at the home of T1, T2 and all the children, I found the boys and T2's second son and T2 waiting outside. T2 had a menacing look on her face and I was anxious to get the kids into the car and get out of there.After we got the kids into the car, she began to confront me about the presence of M at grandmother's house. I assured her in my calmest, most non-argumentative tones that M would NOT be present. And she began to go on a tirade about the court orders, etc. Again, I assured her that M would not be present. Then she said something about the fact that Grandma failed to mention that M was staying with her. At that point, I began to get agitated. I still remained calm in tone and non argumentative. I simply stated: "First, I am the last person in the world you should accuse of not telling the truth. Second, I want nothing to do with M and think it would be detrimental to the boys to see her. And finally, you need to take this up with Grandma. We are going now." She was still ranting but I got into the car and drove off with the boys.

The visit was fine and all was fine when I took them home. But believe me, this confrontation left a very bad taste in my mouth about T2. I am angry and really wish I did not have to deal with her. However, she is going to be a fact of life, if I wish to continue to see the boys. And NOTHING can keep me from that. Especially not a large, ugly woman with the maturity of a 13 year old. You can believe I will be monitoring everything that I am able to in that situation. Because if I get half a chance, I will see them taken from that "home".

Nuff said. Yuck! More negativity on my blog. So I will leave you with a positive thought: Did you know that the word namaste means: I worship the divine in you? Namaste blog friends. And peace.

2008-03-13T23:33:00.005-05:00

Most of my favorite bloggers are doing daily lists for the month of March. I have read some extremely interesting lists. But my brain is not organized enough to do lists right now. I am finding it difficult to simply get from one room to the next and remember what I was going to do when I got there. Really annoying! Some days are better than others. Maybe lists or at least notes would be useful to me right now- if I could keep track of the d*#$ things.

OK- so I will do a list tonight, just to see if my brain can remember what I usually keep in my pockets (since I don't carry a purse).

1. Right rear pocket- billfold- brand new hand made by a fellow Etsian (see link to your right), which contains: drivers license, social security card, nursing license, insurance cards, a few business cards, household debit card, personal debit card and pics of the triplets (the boys not the little babies, yet). [Isn't my new wallet beautiful? Thanks to Tom of Copper Springs Leather Craft. It smells wonderful too].

2. Front right pocket- cell phone

3. Front left pocket- kleenex, big wadded up bunches of them as I have a perpetually runny nose. I will spare you photos of the wadded up tissues. (You're welcome.)

I carry my keys in a jacket pocket in winter, or in a shorts or pants pocket. I wish I would always keep them in the same pocket, 'cause it's real annoying to come out of the grocery store laden with my net bags filled with groceries and go on a search through all the pockets. Most especially when it is really cold.

There is nothing else I usually need to carry, and when I do, I either stuff these into various pockets. On the rare occasion that I need a "purse" it is usually a small leather backpack type. Then I may carry a pocket calendar, book, journal and pen.

Travelling light is something I learned to do when I was doing distance bicycling trips (many years ago). You really don't want to carry a lot when you are riding 75 miles a day on a bicycle. And pockets become fanny packs on a bike because you have enough chafing and pressure on your body without them.

Well- that's my big list for today.

Is she for real?!

2008-03-12T12:36:00.005-05:00

I am sorry to bring something so negative to my blog- but this has got to get out there. I know most people probably won't even believe that an elected official could be this ignorant. I know the majority of people who might even read my blog are more intelligent and compassionate and sensitive than this. But we all need to know what's happening out there in politics land. This was in my email today from the Victory Fund. Please check out the links. Thanks! "A state rep says GLBT Americans are more dangerous than terrorists." Watch the Victory Fund's video and take action! Dear Michelle, "I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism or Islam." That's from an Oklahoma lawmaker's speech about gay people. You heard right. A secret recording has just emerged of State Rep. Sally Kern speaking to a Republican group in January, where she equates both sexual orientation and religion with terrorism. She thought no one was listening. Now hundreds of thousands are. And despite her refusal to apologize, we won't let her get away with this. Tell Oklahoma's governor and top legislators to publicly denounce Kern's remarks. This recording, first released in a video by the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund, is all the more troubling given the recent spate of hate violence against gay and transgender youth. Last month in California, a 15-year-old boy, Lawrence King, who suffered taunting and bullying by his classmates because of his sexual orientation, was killed by one of those classmates – a 14-year-old boy. The week after Lawrence King's death saw the murder of another teen, this time a 17-year-old transgender youth in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Words matter. Especially words from elected officials. Rep. Kern's private feelings towards homosexuality and Islam are one thing. But public statements that encourage disrespect or violence towards those with whom she disagrees are completely unacceptable. Write to Oklahoma's leaders immediately and tell them Kern's remarks must not be tolerated. Here are a few more completely unfounded claims from her speech: "The homosexual agenda is destroying this nation." "No society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted for more than, you know, a few decades." "What's happening now is they're going after, in schools, two-year-olds." Kern must be held responsible. Please send this message to your friends and ask them to join you in taking action. Thank you for speaking out at this critical time. And special thanks to the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund for exposing this anti-gay bigot. To add your name to the Victory Fund's open letter to Rep. Sally Kern, click here: http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/ct/v1Xwe611hE30/. Warmly, Joe SolmonesePresident P.S. HRC's advocacy efforts on this issue are already garnering media coverage in Oklahoma. Stay tuned to http://www.hrcactioncenter.org/ct/fpXwe611hE3l/ as the story develops.

2008-03-05T11:01:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was a great day. I started off with exercise and cut down the amount of coffee I drank. I felt much better than I did the day before. Now if I can just make this a pattern. That is always the tricky part. Keeping it up. So, I am limiting myself to just one hour on the computer in the morning. (I could sit here and drink coffee for hours at a time, and have.) That pushes me to do something else.

Today's task is to promote my jewelry business. I am going to check out a couple consignment shops here in town to see if it would be worthwile placing some items there. And I am telling you, dear reader, check out my Etsy shop. There's a link over there to your right... See it? Good.

Tomorrow I will go help with the babies for awhile and I work tomorrow night and Friday night. So that's how the rest of my week will shake out.

Off we go- exercise time.

Changes

2008-03-04T09:24:00.005-06:00

It is morning. The toughest part of my day. Getting up and getting going takes me forever! I recently stopped taking anti-depressants after many years on them. My mornings are definitely tougher without them. But I decided it was time to give it a try. (I am not suggesting, mind you, that ANYONE on medication for anything go off their meds. This is partly my shrink's doing.) The most noticable effects of this are physical. I am dizzy, I wake up stiff and sore, I fatigue more easily. These symptoms scare me, they sound like MS and other nasty illnesses.

I have several reasons for trying this. First, I don't like the idea of taking ever increasing numbers of medications- which as we age, many of us have to do. I wish to save my liver and kidneys as long as possible. Second, I would like to save my health care dollars. Third, I have changed my diet, and want to see if that helps my depression. Fourth, I have never tried other strategies for dealing with depression without the medications.

Now, I must admit, that some symptoms of my depression have begun to reappear. So far, they are tolerable. And if they become unmanagable I will certainly go back to the meds. But, I think it is important to give other strategies a fighting chance. The things I am trying include: exercise, diet changes, journaling, therapy. These all take some time to manifest their effectiveness- just as the meds do when you first start taking them. The biggest problem I am having is consistency. But that has always been an issue with me. I just have to keep working at it.

Happy March!

2008-03-02T14:25:00.004-06:00

On Friday, I took my darling 11 month old Lab pup (75 pounds and still growing), to the local bicycle/ walking trail for a good long walk, in an attempt to settle her large butt down :) It was a truly beautiful day- temp climbed into the uppr 40's, sun shining, very light breeze. (A fine February day for Nebraska) There were other walkers, joggers, and cyclists on the trail, which runs alongside a creek. Lucy was doing her level best to drag me across the sheets of ice under the bridges. Scared the bejeesus out of me! I have recently developed an unnatural dread of falling down (has something to do with turning 50, I think).

As we were walking along, a site caught my eye that made me leap for joy. ROBINS!! The first of the season: the perennial sign of hope that winter is truly coming to a close. Hallelujah!

Saturday

2008-02-25T01:29:00.005-06:00

It's been a quiet weekend. I am working, and worked last night. Last night was very quiet, not one visit. Tonight is shaking out a bit more busily. Two visits so far and it is only 1:30 am. Maybe that will be all, we will see I guess. Yesterday went to lunch with the boys (Vinny, Vitto, Tony) and their grandma. They were quite wound up at first, but got settled after they ate. The restaurant we went to has a bunch of arcade games, and grandma divided up $10.00 worth of quarters amongst them. There were also vending machines with little trinkets in them. Do you remember the joy of spending your own money at that age? I remember going to the corner store which had a penny candy counter. Gosh! It was so exciting to stand there and pick out my goodies. I could see the joy and excitement the boys were experiencing in picking out their little trinkets. It's so much fun to be with them and just let them be little kids. Sometimes I get too caught up in their misbehavior to enjoy the fun stuff. Yesterday, I just stepped back and watched. One of the machines refused to spit out its toy. So, Tony and I went to the hostess and politely requested a refund. The lady graciously gave us back the "stolen" quarter. Tony looked at me with great surprise and said "huh! That was easy!" I guess he has already come to expect arguments from adults. Life hasn't been easy for these fellows who were abandoned by their father at 2 and then taken from their drug addicted mother just before they turned 3. Most recently they have been handed over to their dad, after more than 3 years in a foster home. The foster parents had wanted to adopt the boys and they were quite attached to each other. Fortunately, the State, in its "infinite wisdom", did keep the boys together through all this. Well, maybe I will try to catch a nap before my pager goes off again.

Wake up!

2008-02-20T14:37:00.003-06:00

Whew!! I just read an essay by Robin Morgan :http://www.womensmediacenter.com/ex/020108.html It really got my brain in gear. I had forgotten what a powerful essayist she is. But more than that I had forgotten so much in terms of feminism. I had forgotten because I have become complacent and addicted to the American drug: "feel good". It is too easy to just think we are there, because I am doing well- have a house, good job, etc. It is too easy to think that I = we when everything looks good from where I am standing. I gotta get off my butt and look outside of myself.

Sure, I think about global issues: global warming, fuel prices, etc. I have become a vegetarian because I don't want to support an industry that abuses animals and contributes to global warming. But what have I done to further the cause of womyn lately? (Yes, Karen, womyn with a "y" for you!) So, today, I am asking any readers who might be looking at this blog, to please read this essay. This is my effort to further the cause of womyn today!

Days 5 & 6

2008-02-19T19:13:00.007-06:00

Yesterday was a moment all day. I had such a good day that I really cannot pick out one single moment. I started the day with some blog reading and exercise, spent much of the day being productive in my workshop, then spent the evening with my partner and her oldest daughter. A lovely day.

Today, I got to see another set of triplets. These kiddos are only 5 1/2 months old. They are freaking adorable and I was in baby heaven for a couple hours. They chortled, cooed, smiled, and puked. And I loved every minute of it.

Day 4

2008-02-17T09:48:00.005-06:00

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwx yz ,<.>/?'";: ;:]}[{=+-_0)9(8*7&6^5%4$3#2@1!ZzABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRATU VWZYZ Crazy, huh? That's my small moment for today. It's kinda like doodling on the 'puter. Those bizzarre characters are "webdings". That's actually one of the fonts you can choose with this program. I can't even tell you what some of those pictures are. Anyway- it was fun.

Days 2 & 3

2008-02-16T00:38:00.009-06:00

Well I have missed 2 days of small moments already and I only just started. Here is my moment for Valentine's Day >>>>>>> That's what I found in the kitchen when I got up. Sweet. Today (yesterday, now), there were a lot of things that were kinda special. I saw the triplets today. That's always special. My favorite times are when they all try to sit in my lap at once. That is just about impossible, now. They are 6 1/2 years old. This is them:

Vitto

Vinny

Tony

That was on their birthday in August. They are special enough in themselves. I guess that's all I need to say.

This will be Day 1

2008-02-12T21:35:00.004-06:00

A favorite blogger of mine is doing a project she calls "30 Small Moments". The idea is to be awake, alert, and present in the moment. She is doing it in photos. I love the idea of it, but never seem to have a camera handy when I need one. So, I think I will try doing it in words. If the opportunity arises to get a photo I will add those too.

So, my small moment came as I was leaving the grocery store. It was another frigid day, but the sun was shining. An elderly gentleman, bundled to the teeth looked at me and smiled and said "hello, darling. How are you today?" I responded that I was doing fine and asked how his day was going, he said "good,so far". I told him that was great, hope it stays that way, and told him to keep warm. He smiled in return as he walked on into the store. That's all. But it was sweet.

PS Many of the photos I use at the head of my blog are from Flickr. This one is.

2008-02-06T00:32:00.000-06:00

It is past midnight. I have been wandering from window to window to look at the fresh fallen snow. It snowed much of the day and there are about 4 inches of new snow on the ground. The last 2 inches fell after 10 pm so there are no doggie tracks in the back yard yet, only a few little bunny tracks in the front. What is it that makes me want to just stand and gaze at that fresh beauty? There is something mysterious about it, especially at night.

Those little bunny tracks fascinate me no end. Where are they going? What are they eating? How do they survive in that cold, wet world? Then I gaze across the street to the huge evergreen tree, all blanketed in snow. Critters live in there and I know they are well-sheltered by the blanketed branches. Somehow evergreens like that make me think of God. There is a mystery to them, they provide shelter and food and protection for many small beings, they withstand the elements, they seem to live forever, unchanged by the world around them. And they smell so good after a cleansing rain!

They also, of course, make me think of Christmas. We always had a fresh tree, except the year my middle brother was 2 years old. (I will write another time, about that.) I loved to lie on the floor under the tree and look up into the branches. I would gaze at the lights and look at each ornament and remember where it came from. It seemed the only time of year I had a real sense of being loved as a child. And that tree came to be a symbol of that love. To this day evergreens can evoke that sense of being loved, and of security, for me.

"The Universe" is unfolding as it should

2008-02-02T19:57:00.000-06:00

I have been spending hours and hours doing the silliest stuff: changing and re-changing the backgrounds to my blogger page as well as my myspace page. The better stuff I have been doing is reading blogs. I have found a few faves. There are some amazingly talented people blogging out there folks! Their blogs are funny, uplifting, heart-warming, and just plain enthralling. I love the photos, too. I especially love pictures of babies and animals or even baby animals.

On the more serious side: As a hospice nurse, I have the duty to be present to families when thier loved ones have died. I am a lesbian, and out to my coworkers, family and friends. This last week, I had the priveledge of being called out to the death of a woman who, also, was a lesbian. This was the first time I had been present at the death of someone who was openly gay. The family and friends of the deceased woman knew immediately when I walked in that I was "family" and were obviously relieved that they could relax and be themselves.

I had put a word out to "The Universe" to allow me to be the one on duty when this woman died. One of the reasons being, I would want the same in their position, ie, someone who identified with my loss and would not judge me for being different. Someone who wouldn't stare open-mouthed when I kissed my partner good-bye.

I just wanted to be there to give comfort to this 75 year old woman who had just lost the love of her life, and have her know that I grieved along with her and was not thinking of our differences. These two women had been together for more than 45 years! Surely, they deserved to have their last moments together honored and respected by one of their own. (This, too, was a first for me. The longest standing couple I had met prior to these women was 25 years. )

Now, don't get me wrong, I work with a tremendouly open-minded, kind and loving group of individuals. I know, for certain, that I would be comfortable with any one of them attending the death of one of my family members. But that lady does not know them the way I do. And for her, it would have been difficult to trust someone without knowing there were no differences between us. After all, she lived most of her life in a world where she had to hide her true identity for survival.

So, "The Universe" responded to my request, and allowed me the honor of helping a kindred spirit send her love off. Thanks, Universe. I felt blessed to be there.

Yep!

2008-01-31T10:06:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, I blogged in the morning and it set the tone for my day. I had a great day. So, I thought I would try it again, today. Unfortunately, at the moment I cannot think of a thing to write about.

I have been thinking a lot about the triplets that used to live across the street from me. They have been in foster care for the last 3 years. Their father- who abandoned them when they were 2 has spent the last 2 years trying to get them back. Now they will be going to live with him soon. I am worried about them. They are now 6 1/2 years old, and the foster family they have been with has had them since they were 3. Really, that's the only family they know. Their father is now married to a woman with 4 children of her own. And to me, he seems still preoccupied with himself. I really don't know what to think of all of this. I have been very close to the boys since they were tiny babies. All I can do is to try to maintain that closeness and keep an eye on the situation.

My mood is falling. What made yesterday so good? I felt awake, alert, alive all the way. I had more contact with other people yesterday. That always helps. I went to my yoga class last night, which ended the day on a positive note. I made a lovely piece of jewlery. But these things were more a product of feeling good than what made me feel good itself. Well, actually they were intertwined. I felt good, did more stuff that helped me continue to feel good, which encouraged me to do more stuff that helped me feel good.

So why so gloomy today? More questions. Always questions.

More searching

2008-01-30T08:57:00.001-06:00

A week since my last post, still not too much to say. I take that back. I had an enjoyable weekend. I went to the annual flower show at our local cathedral on Saturday with some dear old friends. I had been to neither the flower show, nor the cathedral in several years. In fact, had not even seen the renovations, now 8 years old. It all still looks brand new and is quite beautiful. A former friend of mine was one of the artists that worked on the restoration of the artwork of the ceiling. When I saw it, I felt a bit sad about the ending of that friendship. Maybe some day I will write about that. I, also, went to an event at which Matthew Fox spoke. It was named "The Cosmic Circle: multimedia ritual music poetry dance celebration". I found it quite interesting and stimulating. And I saw several people I hadn't seen in years, which was very enjoyable. It was the first event with a "spiritual" purpose that I had been to in a very long time. I wish I had written when I came home because I had some thoughts and feelings then which have, of course, evaporated with time. There was dancing to loud music that I was at first uncomfortable with (mostly because of the volume). There were drummers- wished I was drumming with them. There were people walking around with these plaster heads and torsos on that made them much taller than everyone else. One was of Gandhi, there were 3 more that I recognized as spiritual teachers from Africa, South America, India, but don't know their names. Their effect on me was that it brought out the little child in me. I wanted to shake their hands or hug them. They kind of shied away from that. Part of the ritual was to walk around the room and say "Namaste" to each person you met as you bowed to them with hands folded and looked them in the eye. This was very moving to me- I found myself in tears when people actually did look me in the eyes. Many wouldn't, however. I wanted that connection with them- and more. I wanted to talk to people- which was not really a part of the evening.

There was an invitation to attend a worship service the next morning at a church whose pastor is a lesbian and someone I know. Matthew Fox was to speak there. I wanted to go- because there were so many people I knew there who attend that church and because Matthew always has interesting things to say. But I was lazy in the morning- laid in bed drinking coffee and reading the paper instead. Yes, I have some minor regrets. Only about not hearing Matthew. I can always go to that church if I want. But not sure I want. I am pretty anti-church these days. And I have heard that this place is pretty "evangelical". Definitely not my thing. Still unsure as to what "my thing" is. But that, you see, is why I am here- still seeking!

2008-01-22T23:01:00.000-06:00

It is Tuesday and I am working. Been out on one visit so far, tonight, and came back smelling like I had been in a bar. Patient wasn't even smoking while I was there. I don't have a lot to say tonight, but thought I would post, anyway, to keep in practice. I am trying to see the differences among these fonts. There aren't lot.

I am glad to see that other people are reading my blog. Even commenting. Nice to know one is contacting someone somewhere in the world.

Wish I would sell something on my Etsy page. I have only made 2 sales off of there in over a month. Well, hopefully things will pick up a bit. What can I expect with the stock market bottoming out.

Th-th-that's all folks. Good night.

GRRRR!

2008-01-18T23:52:00.000-06:00

I just finished reading a book with which I have been completely enthralled for several days. It's called "The Power of One"- a novel. I love novels. The ending disappointed me terribly, it was as though the writer decided he was tired of writing and just threw the ending together to be done with it. I have done that with projects and been disappointed in my own results.

The book had strong spiritual themes running throughout the whole thing. And then fell flat on its face, in my estimation, which no doubt means nothing to the author. The book is about a boy growing up in South Africa in the 1930's. His story is harrowing from the start. But he makes it his goal to become the welter weight boxing champion of the world. He is an incredibly bright young man and an excellent boxer. He forms relationships with amazing people, he is a leader, tremendously independent, and wise far beyond his age. He is accepted to Oxford University, but doesn't go right away because (though he is offered money from his wealthy best friend) he wants to earn the money to pay his own way to college. An admirable goal, to be certain. So he goes to work in the copper mines in Northern Rhodesia for a year. His job is very dangerous, yet he escapes death. On his last day there, he meets the man who tormented him in boarding school when he was 5 years old (the other boy was 12 at the time). They have an all out brawl, and the young man beats him though he is much smaller, physically. And there ends the book!! WHAT?? What happens to his goals? Does he go to college? Does he stay in the mines? What the heck? I know some would say- well, for him, that was the fight he needed to have. Maybe, but then what? I suppose the author wants the reader to draw his/her own conclusions. That's not what I read novels for. I want answers. I want an honest ending.

Hmm... I guess that is kind of where I am at with everything right now. I just want answers. I don't seem to want to think it out for myself. I seem to be afraid to do this. I don't really feel I have the energy to do this. And a big part of me thinks I don't have the wisdom to do this.

Well...it's late. I think I will stop thinking right now.

Lucy

2008-01-17T09:40:00.001-06:00

This is Lucy- 9 months old, and a bundle of energy. A large bundle of energy, who is often bored. And apparently bewildered. She reflects me in ways I had not expected. Like me she can be very loud and very demanding. Also, like me she can be easily frightened and often bewildered. But she is also terribly sweet most of the time. For example if I am sitting at the island in our kitchen, and she wants attention (when does she not?), she will come and set her head in my lap. I find this awfully endearing.

What does Lucy have to do with spirituality and seeking? She makes me look at myself and the way I respond. I find myself having tremendous feelings of protectiveness, love, tenderness, and compassion for this creature entrusted to my care. But she also evokes tremendous feelings of annoyance and irritation. She tries my patience to the very limit. I spend a lot of time at home alone with the animals. They are my only community much of the day, most days. I, frankly, like them better than people a lot of the time. They can be challenging- the dogs bark for no apparent reason, sometimes, they chase and torment the cats, Lucy is a 4 legged shredder and destructo doggie, and as aforementioned demands almost constant attention. On the other hand, these animals seem to love me unconditionally, and forgive very easily. They offer comfort without words, and make me smile or relax, just by being here.

Well, I don't know how spiritual this all is. But it feels that way to me.

2008-01-15T10:28:00.001-06:00

Well, I have been reading other people's blogs on spirituality. The first stuff I read was on aetheism. Very interesting reading and some really good points made. I was quite intrigued by the thoughts on "religious persecution". The fact of the matter is that the only religious persecution I observe in this country is the so called "Christian right"'s insistence that everyone believe as they do.

Winter seems an appropriate time for all ths musing.

Under the snow and the frozen ground

incubating hibernating pondering sleeping

waiting for spring and the warmth of the sun

curled up tightly deep in the earth

thinking that life may never come again

but a thaw in January renews hope

the sun breaks through the ice

the water starts to run

and where there was only snow

a few blades of grass

green against the white

struggle to survive

Cold and wet

2008-01-14T10:19:00.001-06:00

I feel like all I want to do lately is sit at the computer. It is a great way to avoid everything. What is it that I am trying to avoid? I guess all these questions. So, what are the questions? Well- the title of my blog is the biggest one. I have lost sight of the meaning of life. I have lost sight of goals. When I was a "Christian", my goals were pretty clear and simple: be good so I can get to heaven. But I no longer believe there are physical places called heaven and hell. I think we are all going to return to the Source- whatever that is and whatever that means. In fact, if I understand many spiritual writers, we have never been separated from the Source. But I feel separated. I am longing for intimacy- connection in a real and tangible form- community, communion. I know that I have to be open to that, avail myself to it, sometimes even initiate it. But I seem to also be afraid of it right now. I am afraid of being drowned in my feelings. I had an interesting dream last night about going down a river and into the ocean in a small raft with several people. In my dream I knew them, but I don't recognize them now. We had a destination to get to and when we arrived, we realized we were going to have to go back, eventually, the same way we had come. But the water was rising and becoming very violent. Some people obtained wet suits to help them stay warm because the water was very cold. I did not have a wet suit and no one would tell me where they got them from. So, I had to climb back into the raft without one. Some of these people were going to have to swim many miles to get to their homes, as the raft could not take them there. I was appalled by this idea, because the water was so cold and so violent and there was the possibility of meeting sharks. But that was the reality for them, and they did not seem to be afraid or to mind. Cold was the prevailing feeling of the dream. Hmmm.... I have had many water dreams over the years and I recognize them as being about feelings and spirituality. I have long recognized my fear of being overwhelmed and drowned in my feelings. At times, I have been able to look past that, or separate myself from that fear and forge ahead. Right now, I am stalled. I am right smack dab in the middle of that fear again. And it is affecting every aspect of my life right now. I just gotta figure out how to get moving again, how to jump back into that cold, wild water and swim on.

Welcome to my world

2008-01-10T22:57:00.000-06:00

Blogging is all new to me. I have journalled off and on for years. But the whole idea of doing it for the whole world to see is a little scarey to me. But then, everything is a little scarey to me these days. I am usually pretty confident and easy going. Lately, I am anything but. I grew up Catholic, and went to the Catholic church most of my adult life. It was the core of my spiritual life. I had a lot of issues with the church (who doesn't?), but always believed the best way to change anything was from the inside. I woke up one day and thought "are you kidding me or what?" It was like a light bulb turned on in my head. I mean, there were many things which led up to this, but the light coming on was quite sudden. I won't go into all the details- suffice it to say, I no longer consider myself Catholic, and do not go to church anymore. I refer to myself as a recovering Catholic. Well, many things followed this. I started reading books about Jesus and God from a non-Christian point of view. I stopped reading the bible. I started questioning everything about my faith. And quite suddenly, I am in the middle of the wilderness with no map, compass or points of reference to guide me. It has been very distressing, scarey, confusing, and disorienting. I have chalked it up to mid-life crisis and tried ignoring it, but it keeps coming back. My aim for this blog is to try sorting it all out. I welcome comments and am interested in hearing of other people's spiritual journeys. So, I will end for tonight and wait to see what comes of it.